Monday, 26 July 2010

Stop Playing That Song

Your pepper is salty, you don't know how to live, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE! With mystics of eastern premises and lights that do not turn themselves out when they are asked. I can't see your face. The light did turn itself off. And all the television set and the radios can do is play that same song over and over, as if it is the best song in history. C'est mangible derritand et le bastieu sans delice.

The dirigible is sounding wonderful, you know. Normal service is resumed! After all this time. And why is Myleene Klass spurting on about music and intelligence when she knows little about either?

Coldness in such close weather. Isn't it close! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LIVE!

Every tree will be burnt to the ground, every bird will make no sound, every ocean poured from above, before the people have taken enough.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Feral Animals - Terrible Entities

As I was walking among the trees and leaves of the woods a squirrel brought to me the incredible thought that testing fate brings its own rewards in the long run. That he himself had successfully tested fate and had got a lovely nut with which to engage in the curiosity of burying a prize long sought. He had tested fate and won.


Sunday, 1 March 2009

As our Saviour taught us, so we pray

Borja was a horse, and unlike other horses, he was aware of the fact. This didn't mean he didn't like donkeys, or oxen, or even the baby Jesus, he played with them all in the accepted manner. But he was a horse, and there ain't nuttin gon' change him! Except a far away party with a spanner.

He read his invite and set off. On the way he saw the March Hare from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, and asked him for the time. Unfortunately the March Hare is quite old now and thought he'd been asked for a piece of pine, and thus sent him in the direction of a forest. The forest in question was just outside of Ormskirk in Chester.

In went Borja, and saw the spanner sat on an over sized mushroom.

"You tool," said Borja.

"You mule," said the spanner

"I'm not a mule," replied Borja

"Oh," said the spanner.

Oh indeed. The spanner was lost but couldn't ask Borja for help, as spanners lack the phonetic sound P, so if he asked for it, he'd only get hell, which wasn't really any good to him, being a spanner.

So Borja cantered off in the direction of the spanner's party, without the spanner. Upon arrival it became clear that Borja should have brought a bottle, and he got very concerned. So he spoke to a Priest who was nearby, and he became a Catholic instead of a Horse.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009

The Boy does NOTHING

There was a man that thought he was missing out on everything, and because of this he collected everything to compensate. He was like a rag and bone man, but not as loud. He hated the idea of not having the full set of stuff, like every book in the series, every issue of a magazine, every shelf in a book case, that kind of thing.

He had a bath one day. But the next it was taken away from him. He took off his bra and let everything loose. He went to Martineau Place in Birmingham, ate a Bacon Double Cheese Burger meal with Coca Cola (C O L A cola) as the beverage from Burger King (refusing to eat in the cafe called EAT on principle of his rejection of such minimalistic modern nonsense in the naming of things) and then let forth with his tirade of bitterness, hatred and general animosity. He was quite hurtful about it too, telling one person they had big ears and another that they smelt. Of what this person smelt he never did say.

He got killed, viciously and savagely murdered by a dress-by-numbers indie kid that though he was in a riot, when he was actually in a pair of Dunlop squash trainers that his mum had just washed.

When he woke up from being killed, he was in a place with a lady that looked like th inside of a Dyson. She was Dusty.

"Hey Dusty," he said, discovering for the first time his Canadian accent. "How's it going?" he added in a Welsh way.

"Alright," said Dusty, like Catherine Tate. "You're dead mate."

"Yeah I know", he replied, in the manner of that fat bloke from Little Britain.

Then Dusty bit herself, and all that was left was a school blackboard, covered in red chalk, except for the area around where two beautifully formed bath taps were leaking water, smudging the chalk into an ellipse surrounding their base.

"Bath is in Gloucestershire, isn't it?" said the man.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

The Muffin Man is seated at the table in the laboratory of the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen. Reaching for an oversized chrome spoon, he gathers an intimate quantity of dried muffin remnants and, brushing his scapular aside, procceds to dump these inside of his shirt...
He turns to us and speaks:

"Some people... some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say, there is naught, nor ought there be, nothing so exalted on the face of God's grey Earth as that prince of foods... the muffin."

Sunday, 15 February 2009

The Bourne Ridicule

A storyboard idea for a new Jason Bourne film, to be released as soon as you can get a cameraman ready, can you do that for me? Ta.

Well I thought I'd add a twist to the usual format of this series, and actually feature a plot. The plot, though highly developed and complex in comparison to the normal plots in these films, goes like this: Jason Bourne buys a cat. This cat tries to kill him, because the US government chipped him, in order to prove that the whole US government isn't eluded by one man who can't remember anything. Bourne kills the cat.

Next, he bumps into a seemingly nice man by the name of Roger, who is actually sent (and chipped) by the US government with the same intention as the cat. Bourne fights him in handcuffs and ensnared at the ankle region by a barbed wire rabbit trap, and ends up killing him with his teeth.

Then, he gets in a car and shouts at a passing car, something like "Hey you, punk ass bitch". The driver of this car takes the hump and chases Bourne, having been primed (and chipped) by the US government to kill Bourne at whatever costs. Bourne manages to kill him, his wife, 4 children and their pet lizard with one perfectly timed crash into a canister of gas.

Bourne is injured by this, but he still manages to muster enough strength to fight off and indeed kill 63 American agents who are after him, and give the kiss of life to the wife of the car driver, with whom he starts a whirlwind romance for the last 10 minutes of the film.

I would like to shoot this in the French style of Merde and show it to people for free so they don't waste their money on total and absolute toss.